The Doonhamer

The Doonhamer — Dumfries' most be best newspaper. We're no the pub, that's on English Street. This is the internet.

Brave move against soor pusses

This week Provost Little made, what Sir Humphrey in Yes Minister would have called, a brave move. You can read the BBC article for yourself, but in short, she wrote an open letter to the good folk of Dumfries telling them to shut their...

Vlad's two hour Town Hall

Yes, yes. Hello lovely Doonhamers. It's your old pal Vlad. And I know I have a lot of fans here, because I am reading your Facebook. So where have you all come from tonight? Anyone in from Dumfries? Ha ha, yes of course. Look, we need to...

Giant snake spotted in the skies over Dumfries

Energency switchboards were overwhelmed yesterday when a giant snake eating it own tail and an exploding head emoji were seen in cloud form over the town. According to our time travelling historian correspondent, Harry Lodge and local...

Council to build another river island

Plans were unveiled this week for a new river island in Dumfries. The island will be smaller than Isle-de-Caul, but will have better internet and will meet some Passiv Haus standards. When asked for comment, Cllr Mabie Later, chair of the...

Farmers predict bumper scone harvest in 2026

Yesterday's NFU announcement of a bumper scone crop spurred me on to do some more research about the origins of the scone. There's no shortage of coverage on the health impacts and the growing range of diseases caused by this strang...

DGRI prepares for increase in scone-related injuries during the heatwave

In the face of rising pressure and temperatures, Spokesperson for the hospital, Ima No-Well, assured authorities in a press conference that while it’s inevitable that admissions due to scone intake during a heatwave would increase, a crack...

Gubbed on a level playing field

Donald Trump’s intervention to have one of the team USA players reinstated for their game against Belgium after receiving a red card in the previous game ended in a humiliating defeat that most people probably wouldn’t have blinked at. The...

05 Jul, 2026
Pam Frond
Rattle Bag

I tapped in the numbers, Eight digits I recall, You dispensed my prescription, Free healthcare for all, At the point of delivery. It avoids so much misery. Don't take it for granted.

Reform's by-election spree will cost us millions

Reform councillors are dropping like flies, triggering by-elections all over the place. It raises the question, "Does someone in the Reform party own shares in a company that prints election ballot papers?"" It’s the only reason I can...

Election Special 2026

Tories to the west of me, Tories to the east, here I am, stuck in the middle with youse. What the @%*& just happened? This election result is making me feel quite unsettled. In D&G The Tory vote held up running contrary to most of the...

Bum crack burka bonanza

In a surprise move, party of the working man, Reform Ltd (did I get that the right way round?), have put forward a policy that is upsetting practically all of their members except someone called, Clive. As members have no say in how the...

Voter special

Postal vote forms will waft through letterboxes this week for those that registered for one. In the eyes of many parties that's the "It's all over" point because of the increasing number of postal voters. You can't convince someone to vote...

God moves in 126 mysterious ways

According to the recently released Town Board report, when it comes to religion 126% of Doonhamers think something or other. Now that's a very thorough reporting methodology. As The Doonhamer's spirituality correspondent and the main man...

The balance of the sexes

Last Friday's Courier carried a jumbled array of stories in which, like busses, 3 similar stories arrived at the same time. There was a regenration plan from the Dumfries Town Board, a city of culture poprosal from DPAG and another "let's...

28 Mar, 2026
Chegwin Bronsmore
Potholes Are Just Friends You Haven't Met Yet

So I was on the 501 from Castle Douglas to Dumfries on Saturday, a pleasant enough trip with what felt like an unnecessary deviation via Dalbeattie. Is there ever a good reason to go to Dalbeattie? Anyway, I digress. The bus was quite busy...